I'll bet she douches with gravy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
