if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
