when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
