He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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