Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
