I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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