I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
