just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Randomize
