I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
