I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
