I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
