i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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