I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
