i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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