She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
