hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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