we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My Sexting was not on an AP level
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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