I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
