My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
