I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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