I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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