Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
