if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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