You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
