you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
