puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
