my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We had sex on a dog bed..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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