He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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