there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
