There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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