...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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