I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
