I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
