btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
