He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
