well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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