I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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