Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How drunk are you?
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