I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
