god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
