i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
