You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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