I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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