lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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