My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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