i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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