I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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