By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
