I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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