The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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