Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
