i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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