haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The air was thick with penises
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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