everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
