Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
