do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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