just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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