The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
