dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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